It’s been a month since he
I’ve been thinking of blogging something about him but I don’t know what to say, where to start, when to post, how to compromise everything in one post.
I can still remember, 1st day of November.
It actually is the second death anniversary of Tita Zeny.
04:58 pm. I am about to take a bath when Jan called. Puzzled, a lot of things were going on in my mind, “Hala, bakit tumatawag si Jan? Nako! Baka nasa labas sila :O shocks magbibihis ako”. Yes, I actually thought they, Jan and my other gradeschool friends, were outside our house to surprise-visit me. It didn’t occur to me that it was November 1, All Saints’ Day and more likely, people are - should be - with their families.
I didn’t say hello, haha. She broke the silence, “Uy. Si Fed… wala na.”
And that’s it. The how-what-where-when-why stuffs. A tear fell on my cheeks but I just shrugged it off. Jan told me to tell the others because they weren’t responding to her call. I.. I imagined the situation of a doctor. Saying sorry to the family of his patient who just passed away. Ugh, that was pretty hard. Actually, no. I didn’t feel anything. I was.. I was numb.
We went to his wake the following night. I really really really don’t know what to feel. -_____- My friends and I were having a good laugh, just reminiscing, in front of him and we were like, “Hi Fed. tulog na tulog ka ah. gumising ka nga!” He really looked like he was just sleeping. After a while, we talked to his dad and he told us the incidents that happened during Fed’s battle with leukemia. That’s when I really felt that I should not cry, I should not mourn for he is now in peace with the Lord. No pain. No sadness. Just love.
But the tears. They just ran down my face.
First, when we were in SMACC, while listening to Fed’s mom sharing.
He was brought back to that school where we all grew up. It was his request. He wanted to go back. Fed and I had been classmates for five years in that school, 2nd to 6th grade. He was always present during my birthdays. He was always present during “lakwachas”. We have our own “kalokohan” and “asaran”. Five years of friendship, laughter, happiness. I can’t recall the time when Fed spilled Pepsi on my bag, like what my mom said. Or the time when he caused the fight between Jan and I. I can’t recall those times. All I remember were the good things. It was then that I realized, people do forget.
And that is what i’m always afraid of. But that’s another story.
Most of the members of our barkada transferred during high school, including me. But hey, we still kept in touch. Though.. I wasn’t able to visit him in the hospital. And that’s what I regret the most. Because I thought he was already okay!! But he wasn’t. And I didn’t check on him. And that’s the reason tears kept falling from my eyes during his funeral ceremony.
Regrets. Regrets. Regrets.
After the funeral.. I got sick. Haha. But that was okay. He visited me in my dreams, a lot of times, helping me or just passing by. Haha. He was with Tita. And I knew I didn’t have to be afraid. I didn’t have to be sad. I didn’t have to be sorry anymore. I know he understands me. I know he would always be there for me. I know he’s in a better place. I know because I believe in him and in Him.
Rest well, my friend. We shall see each other again some other time. I will always remember you and someday, I will share our friendship and your battle to my future children so that they would know you and they would be inspired of how great a person you are.
I love you. I always will.